We'll call him "Nick." Actually his real name is Nick Gregory and I suck at coming up with pseudonyms. I figure that if people don't want their real name printed on the internet, they shouldn't behave in a blog-worthy manner.
Nick was a nice 27 year old white male. We met at Ruby Tuesday on a Friday night. He wasn't as nice in person as he'd been via text and seemed a little full of himself. At 27, I hadn't expected him to be able to carry on an intelligent conversation, but it turned out he wasn't capable of conversation at all. He talked about how he only dates "mature" women now because they "know what they want." My thoughts were -- and you think that's you? Of course I was offended by the word mature. Mature vitamins are for women over 50 and I'm no where near 50 a-hole.
When the check arrived, he started mumbling about not being paid yet that day, blah, blah, blah. Ready for this date to be over, I just grabbed it and paid. When it was time to leave, he informed me that he had been dropped off there and needed a ride home. Um what?! You got dropped off and didn't think to clear that with me first? Apparently he thought he was so cute and charming that I'd jump at the chance to give him a ride. I had a split second thought about going to the restroom and leaving him there. But I quickly dismissed the idea since most of the staff are friends and I didn't want to dump that problem on them.
Arriving at his "home" I noticed several cars and was pretty certain this was a local drug rehab house (similar to a half way house). I asked about it and he confirmed that he was in treatment there but had turned his life around and more self-serving drivel. He then mentioned that he was "late" and the house had a 10:30 pm curfew. It was 10:43. He asked me to wait while he made sure he could get in. He called the house and had a TMI conversation with whoever was in charge and learned that he could not come in past curfew. He said, "I guess it's your lucky night." Really? Stuck with a homeless, unintelligent drug addict is your idea of lucky?
After much conversation about where he wanted me to take him and him having no place to go, could he please sleep on my couch, etc, I relented. Although I can generally chew someone out really well via text or email, I lack capacity to deal with real life conflict. I reasoned; I paid for dinner, I'm stuck with him, he's 27, what could go wrong?
EVERYTHING!
We got to my house where I promptly opened a bottle of wine and poured myself a glass. He began dropping his clothes as soon as he was in the front door. He was short and extremely skinny yet for some reason felt my jaw should be dropping at the sight of his body. Ugh. Upon seeing him nude coupled with his limitless arrogance, I knew then that I would not be getting naked with this guy. I downed my glass of wine, pointed out the couch and told him I was going to bed.
He followed. Crawled right up onto my bed and put his penis in my face saying, "Do you want to taste me?"
I quickly replied, "No!" while simultaneously thinking HELL NO and ARE YOU ON CRACK? Actually, that part could have been true; he was certainly living out some deluded fantasy where he's sexy and women fall all over him.
Here's a little Cougar 101: If you date older women, don't pay, don't drive, basically don't have a home, and can't put three words together in an appealing fashion; you do not get to put your cock in her mouth. Ever! At this point you are simply a little bitch here to make me happy. If you lack the capacity to please me physically then do the dishes or something. And you do NOT get to drink my good wine!
But he did. Drank a whole bottle of Mirassou Pinot Noir.
I tried to roll over and go to sleep utilizing my normal method of problem solving - pretending it doesn't exist. Not giving up easily, he came to the other side of the bed, threw my man pillow on the floor (full length body pillow), put one of my smaller pillows under his bare ass (1200 thread count sheets by the way - no place for his nasty ass to be), and tried to kiss me.
I politely said, "Do not sit on my pillows because I put my face there and I don't want anything from your ass getting on my face." I asked him again to go sleep on the couch and leave me alone.
Yes, I had the thoughts of a normal person, call 911, call a guy friend to escort him out, trick him into going outside and locking him out, etc. But for some reason I opted to try to sleep and deal with it in the morning. He stayed awake most of the night going through my books and drinking my good wine. About 6:00 am I offered to take him home. He was reading a book I have on blow jobs probably wondering why I have such a book but didn't want to 'taste' him. He asked if I wanted to try any of this stuff and I again replied, "NO, but I will take you home." Next he wanted to know if I would watch him finish himself. I told him, in my stern voice, that he had to leave now and he could not do that in my house and certainly not while sitting on my bed.
He left.
LESSON LEARNED: Do not pay for dinner! It's all downhill from there.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Marriage Proposal
Some guys like to get right to the point!
Like paintertom, who asked me, in his first message, to marry him. Knowing how men like to cut and paste their messages to multiple women, I'm wondering how many other women got this short and sweet offer of marriage.
Paintertom is a 45 year old white male whose first date idea is to "have a toe curlin good time lol would like to have biscuits n gravy if you can make it?" Apparently he thinks an offer of marriage will up his chances.
For a few days I did nothing but show it around to my friends and we all had a great laugh. I hadn't intended to reply, but one night when I'd had enough wine, I thought "wouldn't it be funny if I said yes then listed a ton of problems I have" and so I typed out a reply:
Keep in mind my goal here was sarcasm and that I typed out this reply on my cell phone while sitting at a bar sipping wine. Still he replied with a "Come on with it then, you're cute!" -- only misspelled and without punctuation. I decided it was a good time to end this dialog. After all, I'd had my fun... and I was sober now.
Best of luck to you paintertom. You might try hitting on chicks at the welfare line or food pantry. Surely one of them knows how to make biscuits and gravy.
 |
| Love the misspellings and lack of grammar! |
Paintertom is a 45 year old white male whose first date idea is to "have a toe curlin good time lol would like to have biscuits n gravy if you can make it?" Apparently he thinks an offer of marriage will up his chances.
For a few days I did nothing but show it around to my friends and we all had a great laugh. I hadn't intended to reply, but one night when I'd had enough wine, I thought "wouldn't it be funny if I said yes then listed a ton of problems I have" and so I typed out a reply:
God always has a way of being there for me and your proposal of marriage is just that; Heaven sent. Yes I will marry! I have 17 kids and am being evicted in a week. Assuming we'll live at your house. I have several big, strong sons that can help us add on a few rooms. Can't wait for the wedding night (which has to be this week by the way). I LOVE YOU!!!
Keep in mind my goal here was sarcasm and that I typed out this reply on my cell phone while sitting at a bar sipping wine. Still he replied with a "Come on with it then, you're cute!" -- only misspelled and without punctuation. I decided it was a good time to end this dialog. After all, I'd had my fun... and I was sober now.
Best of luck to you paintertom. You might try hitting on chicks at the welfare line or food pantry. Surely one of them knows how to make biscuits and gravy.
About Me and This Blog
I've had an online dating profile for about a year. As I tell my friends about some of my crazy dates, they frequently say, "You should write a book." So I thought I would share my dating adventures with the world via this blog.
I'm older, 43, have a big family and decent career. I'm very happy with the way my life is. Thus, unlike other online daters, I'm not looking for The One. My goal is to have some fun on the weekends while my children visit their Dad, make new friends, and put a little romance in my life.
Because I've been deeply hurt in the past due to lying; I am incredibly upfront and honest. Full honesty is my only deal breaker. When I say honest, I mean being open, upfront, offering up information without being asked, and telling the whole truth. I'm not ready to give a man everything he needs and as such, I expect that the men I date are also dating other women. And because I've resolved to be single (best for my family) I won't date only one man. I will, however, be completely open and tell the men I date everything about what I'm doing and who I'm seeing. (Feel compelled to clarify that dating is not a code word for sex.)
I have fourteen children (eleven still living at home), three grandchildren and a fourth grandchild on the way. I wanted the big family since I was seventeen and attended the funeral of my great-grandmother. Of all the things she had done (which were quite impressive) I realized that her most important accomplishment was this huge family she left behind, her legacy. And the only people that were going to talk about her accomplishments for years to come was her children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and so on.
My mother remarried and her husband didn't get along with most of us. I feel like she experienced a diminished relationship with her children and grandchildren because of her choice to have a husband. I never want that to be the case for me. I want my home to always be open to my children and their children.
I believe people have a right to make choices based on all the facts. Therefore, I tell the men I date upfront that I will not be in a relationship or marry again. I post all my dates on Facebook via the check-in feature and just try to be completely transparent. I understand that the men I date are usually seeking more and will ultimately find that one special girl for them. When that happens, I hope I've created the kind atmosphere where we could remain friends.
Ironically, my openness is often met with suspicion and distrust (or the conclusion that I'm simply looking to get laid). People in the dating world are horribly jaded, and in their defense, there is much lying and deceit going on all around.
These are my stories.... meant solely as entertainment.
I'm older, 43, have a big family and decent career. I'm very happy with the way my life is. Thus, unlike other online daters, I'm not looking for The One. My goal is to have some fun on the weekends while my children visit their Dad, make new friends, and put a little romance in my life.
Because I've been deeply hurt in the past due to lying; I am incredibly upfront and honest. Full honesty is my only deal breaker. When I say honest, I mean being open, upfront, offering up information without being asked, and telling the whole truth. I'm not ready to give a man everything he needs and as such, I expect that the men I date are also dating other women. And because I've resolved to be single (best for my family) I won't date only one man. I will, however, be completely open and tell the men I date everything about what I'm doing and who I'm seeing. (Feel compelled to clarify that dating is not a code word for sex.)
I have fourteen children (eleven still living at home), three grandchildren and a fourth grandchild on the way. I wanted the big family since I was seventeen and attended the funeral of my great-grandmother. Of all the things she had done (which were quite impressive) I realized that her most important accomplishment was this huge family she left behind, her legacy. And the only people that were going to talk about her accomplishments for years to come was her children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and so on.
My mother remarried and her husband didn't get along with most of us. I feel like she experienced a diminished relationship with her children and grandchildren because of her choice to have a husband. I never want that to be the case for me. I want my home to always be open to my children and their children.
I believe people have a right to make choices based on all the facts. Therefore, I tell the men I date upfront that I will not be in a relationship or marry again. I post all my dates on Facebook via the check-in feature and just try to be completely transparent. I understand that the men I date are usually seeking more and will ultimately find that one special girl for them. When that happens, I hope I've created the kind atmosphere where we could remain friends.
Ironically, my openness is often met with suspicion and distrust (or the conclusion that I'm simply looking to get laid). People in the dating world are horribly jaded, and in their defense, there is much lying and deceit going on all around.
These are my stories.... meant solely as entertainment.
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